Giving up your child for adoption is a difficult decision to make. It requires a lot of research, thinking, and inquiry to make an informed decision. There will be lots of pros and cons of giving a baby up for adoption. This article provides an extensive list of possible pros and cons associated with giving up your baby for adoption.
Giving up your baby to another parent who you carry and nurture in your belly for nine months is not an easy choice. Yet, there are various situations and circumstances that make a parent choose this path.
Reasons for giving a baby up for adoption
Some of such conditions are mentioned below.
- When a mother has an unplanned pregnancy and doesn’t have time to raise a child because of studies or career
- When the pregnant mother is a teenager who doesn’t find herself capable of parenting
- When there are financial difficulties in supporting pregnancy and child
- When medical conditions are making it difficult for a mother to parent a child, i.e., disability
- When the mother is psychologically ill, i.e., severe depression or schizophrenia or experiencing addiction.
- When the mother lives in an abusive household and knows the child will not be safe
- When the mother or parents are involved in some criminal activities and legal issues
- Above all these, you don’t want to abort the child because of medical, ethical, or religious reasons.
Pros and cons of giving a baby up for adoption
These are just a few cases to mention, and the list can go on. However, whatever the reason is, putting your child for adoption is challenging. It requires a lot of work on the birth mother’s part to decide what is best for her child. Below mentioned are the pros and cons of giving a baby up for adoption that can help you understand this decision’s repercussion.
Pros of putting a baby up for adoption
- Your child will have a better quality of life
Most mothers who put their children for adoption don’t find themselves capable of providing a quality life to their children. Giving your child to a family who waited for so long to have a child can allow your child to have a fulfilling life. Adoptive families are well-prepared to raise and parent a baby. They are usually more mature and financially stable and can give your child a wonderful life.
- You will be relaxed because you made the best choice for your child
As your baby will be in safe hands, you will be happy with your decision. The safety and well-being of their child is every mother’s wish. Thus, with the assurity that your child is warm and fed, it will be easy for the birth mothers to carry on with their lives.
- You get to choose the adoptive family
You can choose the adoptive family for your child. Suppose you are opting for an independent adoption, which can be within family or friends. In that case, you will be well-familiar with the family. However, suppose you are pursuing adoption via an agency. In that case, the agency will give you the right to select the adoptive parents based on your priorities and requirements. Thus, you will be sure that your child is a part of an ideal family.
- You can meet the adoptive family
Following the open adoption agreement, you can also meet the adoptive family. Thus, you will get to know your biological child’s prospective parents and get familiar with their family system, beliefs, and ideologies. You both can work out the open agreement together and can decide the mode and extent of communication.
- You can change your decision any time before signing the adoption agreement
You can withdraw from the adoption process at any time before signing the papers. If you are not satisfied with the family you met, or you change your mind, you can always take back your decision. The adoption process can be lengthy, and you will go through various changes in your thoughts and emotions during this time. So, if you don’t want to give up your child for adoption, your decision will be respected.
- You can opt for an open, semi-open, or closed adoption
Open adoption is encouraged by the adoption specialists and psychologists because your child will be aware of his background. However, sometimes you may not feel comfortable having a partial relationship or have other fears and concerns. In that case, you can opt for a semi-open or closed adoption. This way, you don’t have to go through the pain and relive the past.
According to (Ge and colleagues 2008), open adoption leads to the better adjustment of birth parents with their baby’s adoption. They feel more satisfied with the adoption process. Moreover, it is also evident that open adoption is beneficial for children as well. They feel more confident and experience fewer difficulties in their life.
- You can be a part of your child’s life without being responsible for parenting (depending on the adoption plan)
Some parents who give up their children don’t feel capable of parenting. By giving a child up for adoption, you can enjoy a casual relationship with your child without being responsible for the tough decisions of his life. You can see your child grow and excel in life and can console him in times of distress with the belief that you are not responsible for his actions.
- You will get financial aid/assistance
When you put your baby for adoption, you will also qualify for financial aid. This will cover your medical bills, transportation bills, maternity clothing and diet, and other pregnancy-related needs. So, if you have monetary problems, pregnancy will not overburden you. You will also be confident that the prospective parents of your child can support him easily.
- You can focus on yourself, your education, and your career
After adoption, you can easily focus on yourself. You will be able to work on your life’s aims and goals that make you consider adoption in the first place. You can concentrate on your academics, attend the highly important work conference in other countries, and build your career. You don’t need to worry about the child as he is well-protected well-nourished.
- You can be more mature and planned in your decisions, including future pregnancies
Pregnancy and giving up a baby can be a wake-up call for some parents. Some parents are irresponsible in life, such as indulgence in risky behaviors, thrill-seeking, addiction or recreational drugs, etc. They will become more aware and conscious of their actions. They will make their decision with preparation and thus can have a planned pregnancy in the future.
- If you don’t want an abortion, adoption is your best option
Some women may consider abortion in case of unwanted pregnancy because of the unsupportive husband during pregnancy. However, for some, abortion is an out-of-the-mind solution because of high morals and ethics. Also, some religions prohibit abortion, and it is illegal in some states and countries as well. In such cases, putting your baby for adoption is the best choice.
Cons of putting a baby up for adoption
These are quite a lot of benefits, but every significant life decision has some undesirable repercussions. Below mentioned are some highly common and also some rare cons of giving a child up for adoption.
- Some US states don’t enforce open adoption
Open adoption is in the child’s best interest; however, some US states do not enforce open adoption. In such cases, you should be well aware of your adoption agreement’s terms and conditions. You should talk to your lawyer about your requirements and work with the agency to find out the like-minded adoptive parents.
- The adoption process can be lengthy and exhaustive
The adoption process is lengthy and exhaustive, primarily because of all the pregnancy-related emotions and feelings you are going through. You can find yourself wondering if this will ever end and whether your baby will find a happy home. But remember, you are making a highly significant decision for life your baby. It needs all the attention and effort you can give. Don’t get frustrated; take one step at a time and decide what is best for your child.
- You will experience feelings of grief and loss
Feelings of grief and loss are unavoidable in this process, and it comes in waves. Some days you feel normal, while other days, you have this overwhelming urge to hug and kiss your baby tightly. No matter how badly you want to give up your baby, once everything is done and the deal is closed, you will feel a deep sense of relief and emptiness.
If you think and feel like this, it is entirely normal. Repressing your feelings and emotions is not the solution. In fact, it will worsen your emotional state. Various adoption agencies provide free counseling and support to birth mothers during pregnancy and post-placement. You can go for counseling until you feel normal again.
- You cannot be an active part of your child’s life
Yes, this can be a pro and also can be a con for the birth parents. No matter how happy you are for your child, at some point, you may feel that you want more from this relationship. Getting the adoptive parents all the credits and love, you can feel deprived. You will attend graduation and be part of the wedding, but you will not know the journey. Then again, the main point here is that your child is happy and prosperous in his life.
- You may regret your decision later in your life
Maybe later in life, when you are more mature, have financial stability, and are in a better place, you will think that things can work otherwise if you didn’t choose adoption. You may feel that you could somehow manage to raise and parent a child. However, the thing is that you couldn’t at that time. That’s why you opt for adoption in the first place. You were not ready then, and if you didn’t think of adoption at that time, you and your child might be living a miserable life.
So, things go the way it should be, and there is no need to regret those decisions you cannot take back. Research studies also indicated that having an open adoption leads to less unresolved grief and makes the heartache a bit bearable (Grotevant et al., 2013). Thus go for open adoption, and you will not regret it.
- Your child may resent you later in his/her life
Your biological child may disapprove of your decision and be resentful towards you. This is especially true in a semi-open and closed adoption. The child has no knowledge of his birth parents, and his adoption is open for interpretation. It is totally up to the adoptive parents that how they tackle this situation.
According to an article published in Pediatrics and Child Health Journal (2001), adoptive children are likely to experience amplified attachment, adjustment, loss, self-image, and identity formation issues. Children develop an understanding of the adoption, depending on the developmental stage they are at.
They gain new cognitive and emotional abilities and develop psychosocial structures with age. They can experience grief and trauma, which is painful for the child. It is up to the adoptive parents that they should not dismiss their feelings and deal with them sensitively. Counseling for adoptive parents and children is also recommended.
- You may lose some of your support systems
Every person has certain beliefs about adoption, and some of your family members or close friends may not be in favor of you giving up your baby. You may have fights with your mother or sister, and your act is not approved by your grandparents. However, you are the one who is going through this experience, and nobody has a right to judge you for your actions. If they cannot support you, it means they are not your support system. Tough times like this show you who your genuine well-wishers are.
- You may experience stigma and humiliation
You may have to go through stigmatization because of the stereotypes associated with adoption. However, with increased awareness, people are becoming more accepting of adoption. However, still, some conservative families frown upon this act. But you have to keep your calm and know that you tool the right decision for your child.
- It can be challenging to have a healthy relationship with the adoptive parents
If you are in communication with the adoptive parents, you may find it difficult to see them as parents of your child. You may disagree with their parenting methods and the choices they make for your child. You may have hard feelings towards them and, deep down, hate them, but this is a normal human expression. However, as they are the legal guardians of your child, they have every right to take whatever decision they find right for your child. You may don’t like this, but it is in your child’s best interest, and you have to come to peace with this.
- If the adoption doesn’t turn out best for your child, there will be self-blaming
Although this is quite rare, adoption can be damaging for your child. The adoptive parents may be neglecting your child, or they are having money problems. In such situations, you will blame yourself forever. If you think that this is a serious issue and your child is not getting the right treatment, you can always contact health and human services.
- In case of closed adoption, you won’t be able to see your child
If you choose a closed adoption, you may not be able to see your baby for a long time, until he is 18. In some states, if you choose a closed adoption, it is even impossible to search for adoption papers if you or your child want to contact each other. While some states disclose the adoption information once the child turns 18. Thus, it is best if you choose an open adoption agreement so that you can stay in contact with your child.
These are the critical pros and cons of giving a baby up for adoption. However, Pro for one person can be a con for the other, so this is your perspective and understanding. After all, it is your and your child’s life at stake. It is entirely up to you how you perceive the situation and interpret the scenario. This is a crucial decision to make. You should work extensively and relentlessly to give your baby the best he deserves.
