Co-parenting is complicated, and if you are co-parenting with a sociopath, it is even more tricky. This article will tell you all about the sociopathy and characteristics of a sociopath. The common parenting mistakes and preferred parenting style and skills are also discussed.
Once in a while, every person got in contact with a person who appears to be highly charismatic and appealing. We can quickly get involved in a romantic relationship with such a person and plan to spend our whole life with him.
However, when you move forward in a relationship with such a person, you get stuck in a vicious, toxic cycle. In this relationship, you are responsible for all the bad things happening around you. Your social circle began to shrink. Also, your achievements became worthless, and your needs become secondary.
This person can be a sociopath. It requires a lot of courage to identify such a relationship and break the ties with such a person. Especially if you have children with this person, then it all becomes about the future of children. However, when you have to do parenting with a sociopath, you should be well prepared to tackle all the emotional drama.
You should know how to be a great parent to your kid without getting involved in blaming and accusing. Before discussing further, let’s learn a little about what sociopathy is.
What is a sociopath?
Sociopaths are frequently present in our surroundings but usually remain unnoticed. Sociopathy is a personality condition formally known as an antisocial personality disorder. Every person has a different personality and has functional as well as dysfunctional aspects of personality. So what constitutes a personality disorder?
The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 5th edition identified all these definitions, features, and characteristics.
A personality disorder is a stable pattern of emotional, behavioral, and cognitive deviation from social norms. These personality patterns are usually inflexible and pervasive, have an early onset, and cause distress and impairment.
So, when we further explore antisocial personality disorder, this personality’s main feature is the pattern behavior of disregard for others’ rights and frequent violations of rules and norms.
Traits of sociopathy
When we look into the detailed features of this personality, you can find a pattern of inability to identify with the social norms. Following are the significant characteristics of this personality.
- They consistently fail to conform to social norms, especially legal rules and regulations.
- They are excellent conmen, compulsive liars, and are deceitful.
- They are highly impulsive in nature and cannot stick to a plan.
- They quickly get frustrated and are aggressive in nature.
- They are reckless, as shown by a lack of safety concerns and thrill-seeking behaviors.
- They are consistently and highly irresponsible.
- They are incapable of feeling guilt, remorse, or shame and are indifferent to such behavior.
These are the core characteristics of this personality, and the traits can manifest in various forms in different settings like at the workplace, personal life, and social life. When we dig a little deep into the personal life of sociopaths, they appear to have a high value of themselves and possess a superficial charm.
They are irresponsible and exploitative with their sexual partners. They cannot have a monogamous relationship and tend to involve in multiple sexual relationships. As a parent, they can be highly irresponsible of their child. A few indications of them being a sociopath parent includes
- Malnourished child
- Lack of hygiene leading to illness
- Child’s dependence on neighbors or relatives for living
- Failure to arrange for a caretaker in case of absence
- Reckless use of money required for the household necessities
Below are some more characteristics of a sociopath identified by Wiggins and Schwartz (2002) in the book ‘Community and Diversity: An Interdisciplinary Reader.’
- They may actively involve in a role prescribed by society like a sibling, parent, friend, or coworker, but always remain emotionally disconnected from the part.
- They are highly perceptive of other people’s experiences, thus can easily manipulate and blackmail them.
- As they don’t involve emotionally, they have no strings attached and can quickly move on with their life.
- They have a high threshold for emotional stimulation; thus, they usually involve risky behaviors and extreme actions to feel something.
- They can quickly get bored and leave the job, break up intimate relationships, and go to new places on the spur of the moment.
- They can recreate themselves anew. Sociopaths can quickly move to a new city, create a new identity, get a new job, a new wife, and in short, a new life.
- They are incredibly charming and seductive. Sociopaths will easily flirt with you, told you false stories to get sympathies, and then exploit you.
How sociopaths trap others in a relationship?
So, suppose you haven’t had any experience with a sociopath and wonder why people get trapped. In that case, it is because they are brilliant, know how to get others’ attention, and then dominate them. They will usually use the following tactics to involve with other people romantically.
- Will be seductive and charming
- Will tell you about their unhappy past and get your sympathies
- Will present themselves as wonder person who is good at everything
- Will then dictate your life like your relationships, friendships, daily routine, vacations, and even your finances
- Will make you think that you have various flaws and only with him you can function properly in the society
- Eventually, he will control your life, and you will be all trapped and helpless in a vicious cycle.
A sociopath is a complicated person to function with. In a regrettable scenario, if you have a child with that person, a sociopath can make your life a living hell. As I described earlier, if you are currently living with your sociopath partner, he will be a terrible parent. He can turn your children against you and make you feel responsible for all the evil happening in your kid’s life.
However, if you are lucky enough to get a divorce from your sociopath partner and now have shared custody, it will be difficult. He will first make it extremely difficult for you to get divorced and the custody of your child.
The Sociopaths don’t feel overwhelmed by the court orders and hearings like any normal being. Instead, they enjoy the misery of others and feel happy by dominating others.
How sociopaths induce loyalty conflict?
Baker and Fine (2014), in their book, Co-parenting with a toxic ex, mentioned in detail how a sociopath creates conflict and how you should deal with such a person. Your child will be drawn towards loyalty conflict where they have to choose a side of a parent.
This can lead to constant stress, worry, and a battle of picking sides. This can seriously compromise your child’s self-esteem, and he will question your worth as a parent. Your sociopath partner can use the following five ways to induce loyalty conflict.
- Badmouthing about you and your every action and intention in front of your child
- Getting in the way of the communication between you and your children like by hiding phone calls and messages
- He will try to replace you and erase you from your child’s life, for example, by exaggerating his positive role in their lives, introducing his girlfriend as their parent, etc
- Supporting your child in keeping things from you and hurting your trust
- Discouraging your child from obeying you and creates dependency in your child
Mistakes a parent commit while parenting with a sociopath partner
Living in such scenarios will negatively affect your child. He will likely develop resentment towards you, not respect, and find it difficult to relate to your social circle. Most of the time, while parenting with a sociopath, a parent can make the following four mistakes.
1. Giving in to anger
While being angry with the ex-partner, most of the time, the parent took out anger on the child. However, after the mad episode, you will regret your behavior. Your child will also get away from you and reject you.
2. Giving in to depression and defeat
Sometimes, the parent got sad and depressed because of all the family drama and loyalty conflict. In such scenarios, usually, parents ignore the child and don’t respond as energetically to the child as they should be. This makes a child think that you are not interested in him, thus validating your ex’s opinion about you.
3. Focusing on the wrong
When your child doesn’t talk to you or reject you, communicating with logic and rationale is not the answer. The children are emotional, and their concerns are also on an emotional level. But most of the parents, instead of focusing on the right thing to do, try to prove to their child their intentions using logic and rationale.
4. Blaming your ex
Some parents also tend to blame their ex for a minor thing that upset their family balance. This will compromise your respect in the eyes of your child. He will think of you as a person who cannot take responsibility and blame others for their mistakes.
These mistakes, however, will make the situation worse for you and your child. Being in a loyalty conflict is definitely tricky for you, but it is even worse for the child. It will ruin your child’s personality and will hurt your child’s future relationships.
Best parenting approach when having a sociopath partner
While co-parenting, your goal should be to deepen and strengthen the bond between you and your child. When your child has a strong relationship with you, he will be less susceptible to the negativity spread by your ex. Positive parenting is a concept that will help you in instilling positivity and mutual respect in your relationship with your child.
1. Positive parenting
Positive parenting means having a set of beliefs and skills to develop a sincerer and serene relationship with your children. Following are the core concepts of positive parenting that you can instill while parenting with a sociopath partner.
2. Having a balanced parenting style
A parenting style with a balance of parental power (setting and enforcement of rules and discipline) and responsiveness (warmth, affection, and attention to a child’s needs) is considered a balanced parenting style. With your ex undermining your authority, aggravating you to over-react, and making you feel defeated, it is difficult to achieve such a parenting style. However, the conscious efforts and thinking about your child’s betterment will help you maintain a stable parenting style.
3. Instilling respect
Respect is a two-way process. If you respect your child, he will give you consideration. So, you have to practice care to gain respect from your child. You need to set limits while practicing respect so that you can have discussions and not heated arguments.
4. Fostering critical thinking skills
Having the ability to think critically about life issues will help your child develop opinions by thinking himself without putting on his father or mother’s glasses. This way, your child can independently decide which side to take and how he should react to your ex’s accusations about you.
5. Avoiding power struggle
Positive parenting involves not imposing your power and ego on your child. Instead, you should respect your child’s integrity and resolve conflicts while avoiding the power struggle.
6. Fostering responsibility in your child
Nurture the skills, attitudes, and desires in your child to be a responsible and self-sufficient person. You need to help your child take responsibility for his actions and choices. This will build the strength of character and opinion, which is necessary for dealing with loyalty conflict.
7. Identifying ownership of the problems
Instead of solving your child’s problems, let him take charge of you being on his side. This will help him understand that you trust him and respect his opinion while he works through his problems.
8. Having appropriate expectations of your child
Parenting with a sociopath partner can lead you to develop many expectations towards your child or no expectations. However, having expectations is average, but too much or too little can be detrimental to your child’s well-being. Have proper anticipations and always stay by his side even when he experiences failures.
However, don’t forget to voice your opinions as he goes through tough times and celebrates with him where necessary, or your ex can take the points.
9. Encouraging your child
Be the biggest cheerleader of your child. Support him in every way possible and encourage him whenever he has self-doubts. Raise him in a way that instills a positive self-image and self-confidence. This way, your child will be confident in their decisions and not shape their opinion based on false information.
10. Demonstrating an appreciation of your child
Always appreciate your child for who he is. Every child has some endearing and some not so charming traits. It is your responsibility as a parent to work through this intricate personality feature pattern where the positive traits stay dominated.
11. Being self-aware
Besides all skills focusing on your child’s upbringing, the primary skill that helps you go through the parenting process is self-awareness. Self-aware of your feelings, emotions, thoughts, and cognitions makes you a good parent. Whenever stressed, hitting the pause button and thinking of the reasons will not let you project your child’s personal feelings.
These are just a few core ideas and skills that you can practice in your parenting, even if you have a sociopath ex or not. Take care of yourself first, and then you will be able to take care of your child.
Sociopaths are not easy to deal with. Seek legal help and assistance whenever necessary, increase your social support system and take precautionary measures like getting new locks and installing cameras. The safety of you and your kids are above all. So, take good care of yourself and your kids.
